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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29692974">equivocator</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavendercigarettes/pseuds/lavendercigarettes'>lavendercigarettes</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Batman - All Media Types, Red Robin - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Lies, Oh, Psychopathology &amp; Sociopathy, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Tim Drake, Tim Drake-centric, all my homies hate janet drake, fuck janet drake, lying</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 02:28:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,953</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29692974</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavendercigarettes/pseuds/lavendercigarettes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>all by himself.</p><p>it’s how it starts, how it ends - caged in his own solitary, not a care in the world (or perhaps, too much).</p><p>tim likes to pretend he understands why. It’s easier than he expects.</p><p>edit (4th may 2021): oml k this is so embarrassing but i just realised how many mistakes there are in this fic im begging you pls come back in like a month its so bad</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jack Drake &amp; Janet Drake &amp; Tim Drake, Tim Drake &amp; Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake &amp; Cassandra Cain</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>241</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>equivocator</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TW: attempted rape, attempted suicide, hints at depression, death, sociopathy</p><p>take care of yourselves lovelies!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>all by himself.</p><p>it’s how it starts, how it ends - caged in his own solitary, not a care in the world (or perhaps, too much).</p><p>tim likes to pretend he understands why. It’s easier than he expects.</p><p>-</p><p>he tells his first lie when he is three year old. the circus is big, he notices, as dick grayson wraps him in warm arms with a smile. “you’re adorable, timmy!” the boy squeals. “cuddly, too. you must be getting hugs every day!”</p><p>his mother throws him a sharp look, so he puts on the biggest smile he can. “yeah! every day,” tim says, a little too enthusiastically. </p><p>janet smiles (what a joke), eye twitching. “yes, jack and i are very lucky to have such a sweet little boy, isn’t that right?”</p><p>she nudges his father on the shoulder and snatches the beer from his hands. the glare on her face is more than threatening.</p><p>“what? oh, uh, yeah,” jack stumbles, weakly. “we uh, he’s great. love. yes,” he clears his throat.</p><p>dick, unaware of their quick exchange, only squeezes tim tighter and ruffles his hair (it hurts, but not as much as when father hits him with his belt).</p><p>later, when they’re waiting for the show to begin, he asks quietly, “did i do well, mother?” </p><p>she snarls. “barely. adjust your posture. stop being so jittery.”</p><p>he obeys.</p><p>jack slaps his back and laughs. it burns (he pretends it doesn’t).</p><p>“oh, and wipe that stupid grin off your face before i do it for you.”</p><p>jack lifts the beer, laughs harder.</p><p>tim can only nod.</p><p>-</p><p>then, a fall.</p><p>he sees dick collapse beside his parents’ bodies, wailing tears of sorrow, tears of heartbreak and guilt. it’s a horrible noise, one he never wants to remember.</p><p>janet huffs. “sloppy performance,” she says, grabbing his wrists with tight force. her nails dig into his palm. “let’s go, timothy.”</p><p>tim can’t tear his gaze from the cries until they’re out of sight.</p><p>-</p><p>“you’re acting like a child, whining like that. a toddler. go back to sleep, timothy.”</p><p>“shut up, kid. come back to me when you’ve grown some fucking balls.”</p><p>“sorry, tim. your parents will fire me if i come even a metre near you, and i really need the money for my date with travis. i’m sorry you had to see that, though. i saw it on the news. hey, did you see any blood? what did it look like?”</p><p>tim lies alone in his bed, curled into his blanket as if it were a lifeline. his dreams are unpleasant for another year.</p><p>-</p><p>“you will take over the company when you are eighteen years old,” his mother tells him one day. “you will claim your birthright and use it wisely, timothy. or you'll no longer be a drake.”</p><p>“of course, mother,” he says (lies). “speaking of which, when will you be leaving for your next trip?” (misdirection and distraction.)</p><p>“tomorrow.”</p><p>“oh,” he frowns. “but you just came back yesterday.”</p><p>janet just leaves. he isn’t worthy of her time. </p><p>(he never was.)</p><p>-</p><p>the street light is visible outside his bedside window, and below it, a masked figure.</p><p>robin, he finds later. batman’s new sidekick. tim sees his soar through the sky, leaping atop scattered buildings with unbelievable ease. </p><p>he’s flying, tim gapes with awe. he imagines he’s flying too.</p><p>-</p><p>two years go by. he spends his days behind his computer, solving the GCPD’s public cases with his new friend barbara.</p><p>then, a new robin appears. he’s different to the first, and tim even considers him to be better. </p><p>batman and robin aren’t the same anymore. the new robin’s loud. outgoing. but he’s closer.  closer to his understanding, closer to his heart.</p><p>unlike dick, jason isn’t lenient with the gotham criminals. instead, he shouts curses and makes sure they never set foot in crime alley again.</p><p>good, tim thinks. nods. it’s what they deserve.</p><p>-</p><p>wayne heir, jason todd: dead?</p><p>bruce wayne refuses to comment on the death of his adoptive child?</p><p>the disappearance of teenage vigilante, ‘robin.’ where is he now?</p><p>tim frowns.</p><p>-</p><p>he makes a mental check-list a few months after jason’s death.</p><p>1) check up on bruce wayne.<br/>
2) ask dick grayson to become robin again.<br/>
3) monitor batman’s mental state.</p><p>it can’t be too hard, right?</p><p>-</p><p>“go home kid,” dick says.</p><p>the words pain him, sending an ache in his chest. he goes home.</p><p>-</p><p>“batman needs a robin,” tim declares, for the eleventh time.</p><p>the cloaked figure stills. their eyes lock underneath the porch-light, and tim can see his own reflection in the cowl’s lenses. </p><p>the tension is fierce, determined.</p><p>but so is tim.</p><p>it’s almost too much, but finally, batman huffs. “you start training on monday,” he says, then disappears into the night. the street lamp flickers. tim exhales.</p><p>-</p><p>when they meet for the third time, dick doesn’t remember him. </p><p>he says he does, but tim knows.</p><p>tim knows.</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>bart. cassie. kon. young justice, they call themselves.</p><p>he writes their names in a locket and holds them close to his heart.</p><p>they’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him.</p><p>-</p><p>the crescent moon shines the brightest it has all year, and as kon holds tim in his arms, he stares, astonished.</p><p>“wow,” he breathes, light and oddly quiet. </p><p>tim smiles. “yeah,” he agrees. “it’s beautiful.”</p><p>kon wraps his arm a little tighter around his shoulders. “it is.”</p><p>bart lets a quiet snore from tim’s lap, and they laugh. the campfire sparks. their tent russells in the wind.</p><p>“night, tim,” kon smiles, smoothing his hair with a broken twig.</p><p>tim buries himself deeper in kon’s jacket. “night, kon.”</p><p>-</p><p>tim should’ve known it was going to happen — bats always end up as orphans, anyways. he isn’t an exception. </p><p>though, he never thought it would be his father who led his mother into death’s arms.</p><p>jack was the one to offer her a glass of wine, clueless to the poison that was laced around its rim. she drank it fruitfully, then returned it to his father’s hands, which he managed to take a sip of before he saw his wife collapse to the ground.</p><p>it was like adam and ave, kind of poetic in some twisted way.</p><p>tim remembers seeing videos from the scene: foam seeping from his mother’s lips, the life slowly draining from her eyes.</p><p>she died before she hit the floor.</p><p>-</p><p>his father got lucky — managed to skim death and slip into a coma instead.</p><p>bruce hugs him. Dick kisses the top of his head. </p><p>alfred gives him tea, reads him stories, and holds him while he cries. it’s the best comfort of it all. </p><p>-</p><p>tim hates it, how the first time he held his father’s hand was while he was in a coma, slowly being killed inside.</p><p>he knows his mother wasn’t a good person. she made it clear she despised him, told him countless times he was just a puppet, a publicity stunt and nothing else.</p><p>still, he mourns her at the edge of the hospital bed.</p><p>-</p><p>he gets a brick to the face on his first patrol back on the field.</p><p>it hurts like hell, and the bruises swell all the way up to his neck, all shades of reds, blues and purples. when he gets back to the cave, he does everything in his power to find the name of his attacker.</p><p>stephanie brown.</p><p>tim takes one look at her passport photo and decides she’s the most beautiful girl he has ever seen.</p><p>-</p><p>it’s only after his father comes out of the coma when tim gathers enough courage to ask steph on a date.</p><p>he takes her to the roof of wayne enterprises, where they sit and watch the sun settle under the skyline. </p><p>“hey, tim?”</p><p>“hmm?”</p><p>“i had fun,” steph says, and snuggles into his side. “this is gonna last. i know it.”</p><p>she’s tapping the motif of claire de lune on the concrete - a piece that gives her comfort through deception. </p><p>she’s doing it subconsciously, tim can tell, but it isn’t uncommon to lie and not even notice at all.</p><p>(it disappoints him. he really does love Steph.)</p><p>still, he flashes her a smile and wraps his arm around her shoulders (clinging onto the moment, knowing the pain of the heartbreak will send him crashing into flames).</p><p>“yeah,” tim says, closing his eyes. he listens to the tap, tap, tap —</p><p>( — the lies, lies, lies.) </p><p>“me too.”</p><p>-</p><p>captain boomerang comes to gotham to find a certain man, hungry for murder. the batmobile runs at it’s highest speed, but it’s a lost cause. boomerang’s had a head start.</p><p>tim feels the world rush past him. his hands tremble as he assures of his father’s safety, promising him everything will be okay. he knows it’s a lie, somewhere deep down, drenched inside layers of artificial hope — hope that was truly abandoned years ago.</p><p>seven minutes later, he finds his father on the kitchen floor, a boomerang pierced into his chest.</p><p>-</p><p>the guilt lingers as he sprints across the rooftops of gotham city. it’s made a home in the centre of his heart, the mark of a burdened existence carved within.</p><p>he hears his mother’s voice remind him of his failure, his father’s of his disappointment.they watch his every move, criticism spilling from their lips like a hailstorm he can not escape.</p><p>so he accepts them with no dissent.</p><p>-</p><p>according to her files, aass is the daughter of lady shiva and david cain — two of the deadliest assassins in the world.</p><p>tim’s a little nervous when he shakes her hand for the first time, but as they grow closer, he realises they have more in common than he thought.</p><p>he learns to trust, to understand, to love.</p><p>it’s nice, having a sister.</p><p>-</p><p>a new vigilante comes to town only a few weeks after his fourteenth birthday. three months later, he gets a special visit at the titan’s tower.</p><p>the  red hood isn’t very kind.</p><p>tim leaves the tower with seven broken bones, eighteen fractures and thirty-nine new scars. </p><p>-</p><p>it’s been bothering him for weeks, now. every time the red hood mentioned batman, his fists clenched. </p><p>tim thinks it’s a tell —one he’s seen somewhere before. </p><p>he just can’t figure out where it’s from</p><p>-</p><p>“hey bruce?”</p><p>“yes, tim?”</p><p>“sorry, this is a touchy subject, but did jason ever have a tell?”</p><p>“a what?”</p><p>“something he would do when he lied. y’know? like changed his stance, fiddled a bit…”</p><p>“hm. not that i know of, why?”</p><p>“random thought. nevermind.”</p><p>-</p><p>“he used to clench his fists, if you’re still wondering.”</p><p>tim inhales,</p><p>exhales,</p><p>“thanks, alfred.”</p><p>“always a pleasure, master tim.”</p><p>-</p><p>jason todd is alive. nruce turns his focus on his lost son, and loses another while doing so.</p><p>(he touched his wrist when tim asked him if he’s still needed around.)</p><p>(bruce always lies.)</p><p>-</p><p>a crisis.</p><p>his face is painted with tears as he rushes past the crowd. tim stops when he sees kon’s lifeless corpse, static on the ground.</p><p>his screams clench the hearts of hundreds. it takes both batman and superman to pry him away.</p><p>tim breaks.</p><p>-</p><p>“attempt 95. unsuccessful.”</p><p>“attempt 96. unsuccessful.”</p><p>“attempt 97. unsuccessful.”</p><p>-</p><p>a month later, he gets a call.</p><p>“it’s bart, tim. he didn’t make it out.” </p><p>he ignores every call he receives after that.</p><p>-</p><p>“attempt 98. unsuccessful.”</p><p>“attempt 99. unsuccessful.”</p><p>“attempt 100 - “</p><p>“tim? what are you doing?”</p><p>-</p><p>there are only four people that have never lied to him in his life. four people he can trust. now, two of them are dead. he stops trusting completely.</p><p>-</p><p>bruce meets him after tim confronts him during patrol (he’s touched his wrist seventeen times in thirty minutes).</p><p>“stephanie is dead.”</p><p>tim leaves the rooftop feeling numb.</p><p>He sprints to his nearest safehouse and thrashes it completely. </p><p>-</p><p>now, there are lies he tells every day, so often that he doesn’t realise when it happens:</p><p>“i don’t blame myself.”</p><p>“i’m fine.”</p><p>“i sleep enough.”</p><p>“i ate today.”</p><p>“i’m not suicidal.”</p><p>“i don’t lie.”</p><p>the only person who can see through them is cass.</p><p>-</p><p>his mother was a diagnosed sociopath. he’d read her file while she was away, searching another land for another worthless piece of fossil.</p><p>it made a lot of sense, really. </p><p>he remembers the frigid tone of her voice when she scolded him for wearing mismatched socks.</p><p>he remembers her emotionless glare as she shoved his head into a water-filled tub, a punishment for putting a fork in the wrong drawer.</p><p>he remembers her dancing across the ballroom of wayne manor, stealing everyone’s attention just by the gleam in her eye.</p><p>janet was a charming woman, with no soul nor heart.</p><p>his father, however, was just another hopeless man who fell for his mother’s tricks. she never loved him — tim could tell by the way her eye twitched whenever he was near.</p><p>for such a good liar, janet had an easy tell.</p><p>-</p><p>sometimes, tim wonders if he’s more like his mother than he originally thought.</p><p>when he looks in the mirror, he sees the same gleam, the same homicidal rage in his eyes as the ones he once admired.</p><p>it’s a thought that makes his stomach lurch.</p><p>-</p><p>he goes to cass for an answer. she’s the most honest of the bats. she shakes her head, tells him he’s better, that unlike janet, he’s capable of love.</p><p>she isn’t fidgeting (her thumbs press together when she lies), so he smiles (genuinely), and thanks her on his way out.</p><p>cass rolls her eyes. Sse grabs his arm and pulls him towards her, pushing his head gently onto her lap.</p><p>tim falls asleep to the soft melody of her hum and fingers carding delicately through his hair. </p><p>-</p><p>“you okay?” dick asks one day.</p><p>tim smiles, like always, and says “of course.” </p><p>dick’s eyes narrow. he shrugs. “if you’re sure. call me if you need anything, kay?”</p><p>tim nods.</p><p>the same night, he cries himself to sleep, knowing he’ll never be good enough for as long as he’s alive.</p><p>-</p><p>damian is the spitting image of Bruce, only shorter, and very very angry. tim’s just happy to have a new brother. Maybe this one he can trust.</p><p>-</p><p>“i’m tim.”</p><p>he smiles. damian glares in disgust.</p><p>“um, here in my world, we call this gesture a handshake.”</p><p>“don’t patronise me or I’ll break your face.”</p><p>well.</p><p>-</p><p>damian doesn’t break his face, but he does end up breaking a couple of tim’s bones when he’s given the chance.</p><p>dick tells him to suck it up. damian’s only a kid. it’s fine.</p><p>tim doesn’t reply.</p><p>-</p><p>“tim!”</p><p>“yeah?”</p><p>“dinner’s ready! kitchen, now!”</p><p>tim sighs. he shifts the gun from his forehead and tosses it under his bathroom cabinet.</p><p>“coming!”</p><p>maybe tomorrow.</p><p>-</p><p>bruce is the next to die.</p><p>kind of. because tim knows he’s still alive.</p><p>he knows it.</p><p>-</p><p>the cave is dimly lit. moonlight shines through an opening, almost as bright as damian’s cunning smirk.</p><p>the first thing sees the R patched on his ‘brother’s’ chest. his R.</p><p>tim scowls.</p><p>another argument with his oldest brother. another insult from the youngest.</p><p>tim refuses to let himself cry.</p><p>-</p><p>all alone, once again. </p><p>tim should be used to this.</p><p>(he’s not.)</p><p>-</p><p>pru, owens and z are definitely the kindest assassins he’s ever met. </p><p>he would never admit it - and neither would they -  but they formed a very close bond during their little road trip through the desert.</p><p>pity they had to die so quickly.</p><p>-</p><p>tam is the first to say “i love you.”</p><p>tim wants to reply, he really does, but she’s an innocent girl, and he’s a curse (he’s promised to never plague another sinless heart) so he stutters, but doesn’t reply.</p><p>he hates himself for breaking her heart.</p><p>-</p><p>rough fingers trace delicately across his neck, tickling his chest as they reach the collar of his cape. she starts to peel the kevlar off his skin, and tim leans back, terrified of what was about to come.</p><p>his hands shake against the chains.</p><p>nyssa al ghul pins him against the wall and starts to unzip her suit. it’s the only noise he hears above the pounding of his head.</p><p>cass will come, he reminds himself. she will.</p><p>the zipper makes a buzzing noise as it comes undone, revealing more exposed skin every time he blinks. her hand on his chest, her body pressed against his — tim realises she’s smiling. </p><p>she’s reaching for him before he knows it. closerclosercloser — a sharp yell interrupts the hand just inches away from his thighs, and tim breathes a sigh of relief.</p><p>cass, he thinks. you came.</p><p>he’s safe now. cass has unchained his arms, legs, and nyssa is lying (unconscious) on the ground a few feet away. </p><p>safe. safesafesafesafesafesafe —</p><p>(later, when he hears the sound of cass zipping her patrol boots, he runs to the bathroom and vomits.)</p><p>-</p><p>in the movies, tim notices, when a character dies, there are flashes. memories of importance, loved ones - any point of significance in their life.</p><p>but as tim crashes through the seventy-fifth story window, he sees no memories. </p><p>just blood. glass. stars.</p><p>the grapple gun shifts in his left pocket and he twitches, fingers brushing against the suit. he’s close, so, so close. he can save himself. he can stay. </p><p>but the stars are dancing so beautifully tonight, guided by the moonlight as they twirl around with elegant grace.</p><p>his hand leaves the suit.</p><p>darkness envelopes him slowly and quickly and at no pace at all. it’s the closest he’s gotten to a hug in months.</p><p>(it’s nice. he’s happy. he’s excited.)</p><p>(excited to see kon, bart, steph, owens, z —</p><p>— and maybe, if he really was crazy after all, he’d see bruce, too.)</p><p>so he smiles.</p><p>
  <i>i did it, he thinks, finally.<i><br/>
and he did. </i></i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>all by myself.<i></i></i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>*trows tim into a fire* burn, you sexy mf</p></blockquote></div></div>
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